Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Unsent letter.

Please forgive the personal and self indulgent nature of the following post


Mom reported a problem with the wiring. She offered her new adress when I asked but said that she couldn't find it. I preferred not to look up the scrap she provided with respect for the possibility that she was vague on purpose.

I assumed that you would be willing to share or not. I have all the reply that I need.
Sorry to surprise or shock you with questions about the Estates of ECM and HCF I recall being told about 'money in escrow,' after the time of HCF's passing. There was a specific figure named. I thought it prudent to ask.

GWW had told me on several occasions that he and MCW received 'tuition remission' from the state of New York because they worked in education. I was told that this also applied in PA as well as NY. Tyler was an inexpensive place for me to attend. I'm also pretty sure that my account with the cafeteria went unpaid during the spring term. I was not allowed to go through the line like other students and so i simply stole PB and J sandwiches for my meals or asked Mom for a weekly donation of fifteen dollars which she had budgeted for my expenses. I also had to buy school supplies with this money. You may have been present for some arguments over this.

I was accepted a RISD. My 'discipline' problem there was not a consideration in my acceptance at that school. According to a letter that was among the school papers you sent, they still considered me a candidate for enrollment. Dad made it painfully clear that I could not get a summer job before college. He wanted me enrolled.

His reasons for keeping me from trying for RISD were partly economic and partly punitive. Mom kept up with the great theme of learning disabilities. In his analysis Dr. Rothman found no real evidence of Learning Disabilities per se. while some of my behavioral issues seemed to correspond to LD, testing revealed high aptitude in most cognitive functions. Effective study habits were called for.
Sadly Mom and Dad were not able to teach effective study habits.
I was fortunate to later encounter fine teachers who either disbelieved the LD 'diagnosis,' or demonstrated study methods that overcame handicaps.

Doubtless, this seems to you like a well of self pity. But these matters come to bear constantly on aspects of my life. Futhermore they are part of the childhood that you and I shared. You seemed to place some value on that relationship in one of your communications.

After 1984, My relationship with Mom and Dad had become strained to the extreme.
We had two meetings here where things seemed to go well. he expressed his hopes about renewed communications with his brother and his concern that I continue to press on towards tangible career goals. Then afterwards I would receive the most scathing letters from him, inferring my involvement in all sorts of criminal activities, making specific allegations about murder and attempted murder, and of course he said that I was no longer welcome in his life. From you letters I read that you were dangerously involved in risky activities at least up until the time of Moria's birth. I did not writ many letters back then, but we spoke on the phone. For a while you consulted Masha regarding your interest in locating your natural family.

It must have been around 1988. We made a trip to Guatemala. I recall picking out some baby things, perhaps a red jaspe jumper, I'm sure that they would have been the wrong size. Masha and I sent them, knowing that it was but a small gesture. I'm not sure if you ever received them. You did say that every body went to Guatemala.

At the time you still talked to Mom and Dad, visiting them around holidays. It seemed like a bad idea for me to continue to do so. At least I could respect their wishes in that respect.
When you spoke with me and accused me of abusing you as a child, I felt some remorse for being a bullisome older brother, but it seemed we had worked out some semblance of an adult relationship. I worried about you constantly. Your reports from Fell Street were distressing to say the least. I also felt your anger jealousy and rage. It was the last blow, crushing my faith in the family.
Mom tearfully rejected me. Dad seemed capable of a conversation, but his condemnation had a threat behind it. You also described me as a monster. Diedre had also turned her back on me (although it may seem otherwise.) It was my decision to offer nothing of myself to people who would turn and use my own words against me.

So I remain a monster to you. But I will not come near you or your family ever because of that. I wish you no harm nor have I ever wished any of you harm. Indeed I did not write to you for many a long year. There is no comfort in that, but it left you to grow and live your own life.
So, You may cherish the old communications and the memories because they are bittersweet and they are close to your heart but I remain out side. I have had my loves and my little triumphs in life, but I cannot share them with you. You have much more anyway. Your daughters, you are proud of them; your husband, you love him; your work is meaningful in it's way; you contribute something to the great work of human kind.

I had hopes that you might throw the old monster a bone, some picture of the old dungeons, the chains, perhaps some photos of the old days, before he was a monster.
But you have had your own problems and now I have burdened you with more.
There are so many things I would have liked to discuss with you. But you have been busy.
You have taken the time to send nice letters, some poems and even the writings of one of your dear friends. Sadly I can offer nothing in kind. We may share a past but our values differ. So far nothing I can say makes any difference. I would rather die than have you recount my crimes. Indeed I have been dead since I read Father's Millennium letter.

So write your letters to the sun or the wind. You will find better siblings there.

1 comment:

  1. It's heartbreaking, and not a bit self-indulgent. No one had come by to commiserate. Only to listen, if they so choose.

    There's wistful poetry to this:

    So write your letters to the sun or the wind. You will find better siblings there.

    Thanks for making me feel more alive.


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