Have You?

Is Your Self Esteem Too Low Are You Afraid To Disagree You May Be Co-Dependent Co Dependency is common in families with addiction and substance abuse. There are many degrees of codependency. The severity of the condition is variable since the intensity of symptoms vary instead of being on an all or nothing scale. Also important to note: Not everyone experiencing the symptoms below suffers from codependency. These 20 questions may be result from other family dysfunction, but still signal that you may need help to start feeling better.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

Check out Al-Anon.org to learn about co dependency in families with addictions

The Dream of a Tall Horse - (running dream)

Across the wide grass running
A thousand meters high
The red cloud at sunset
Burned in back of my mind
Everything halting
Like statues on a train
The mumbling of passengers
Who never said hello.
The place reeks of poetry
And bad investments
Sawdust in the corner
Like robbery
And holding nothing dear
They come rumbling to a stop
Apocalyptic pencil shavings
and crumpled newsprint
The empty seats stare back at you
All those mornings yesterday
Came back in a rush
More horses in the rain
Running from thunder.
Concrete follows
Like a lean dog
In the undergrowth
Grinning with panic
The pain stumbles after
Hobbles the mind
Fetters the blood
A small dream
Of rabbits in the garden
Tattooed cats
And words
that crystallize in the sun.
I’m letting this get away from me
Because you were with me then
And we both had something in our eyes.
It almost gets you going
when you think it cant get worse
then the running happens
everything crashing after
just because the words didn’t fit their meaning.
There’s no need for you in the room tonight
this blue baby
catch your breath.
Leave us alone we bury our own.
Now the rain can come.
I really was crazy.
Everyone said I was.
Now it’s true.
You know whatever happens, they’ll come back to this moment.
I waited all these years, thinking it would be all right.
They are gone.
It never was all right.
Abandoned.
And why should I care.
You never see light like that in the city.
Always staring at the sky -
-till the needle breaks
and splits
like fire in the night.

Personal Narative (reblog)

Its a funny world where you can't waste time at work by doing personal
correspondences! maybe that kind of thinking is the reason no place
that I've ever worked wanted me near a computer. I started applying
for graphics jobs back in the eighties when i worked for GTE
publishing. They print the phone books for the southeast US Ohio and
the Nynex=New York books. It was the dawn of the whole computer thing
and The company bought a system that allowed you to do graphics for
those little yellow page ads. While I worked there I watched the whole
Art Department change from people that drew stuff to people that sat
in front of a terminal. I wanted in because I could have gotten in at
the ground floor of a major publishing revolution. I stead I spent the
year running the little ads through a wax machine so that they could
paste them up in the traditional manner. Some parts of the system took
longer to catch up. After I got passed over for a few openings I
dropped out to work for The local Renaissance Festival. I'd have to
get up at sunrise on Saturdays and ride the bus for two hours. In
costume. The bus stopped at the county Jail.
At the festival I sold Bamboo flutes for a man who made them. Since I
was a paid Performer, I also marched in the parades, and tootled
little jigs and reels for hat money. Mostly I flirted with attractive
young women. (it's part of the job.)
That was fun. But ...I didn't feel like traveling around the country
at the time so that left a whole year to fill up between festivals. I
worked as a file clerk for various temp agencies. All the while I
watched Other people struggling with their Macs and PCs envious, but
physically active. Can you Imagine how much paperwork there is for the
Insurance claims department at a major drugstore chain? I used a fork
lift to take down pallets, then sorted through the alpha numerically
stacked boxes looking for a single sheet of paper, which i would then
copy and take back to the office where no one would speak to me
because i was a temp. Most of the tome there was just me in a
warehouse with a million documents.
For fun I would hang around Downtown St Pete where the bars and banks
are. Friday afternoons if i wasn't working i could easily pick up
thirty bucks with a few Bach and O'Carolan tunes. One day A guy
stopped While I was playing Shakuhachi out side of a liquor store.
"You Should Come work Where I work," He said. Turns out that he meant
the hands on / children's museum which had just opened up."I already
applied," I told him.
"Well, they're hiring again. and you could use me as a reference," he
told me. So that was the next five years. School Tours, Insect Petting
Zoos, Sanitizing the 'Touch Tunnel.' Some of my friends used to call
my car 'The Black Hole.' It took years to figure it out. The Museum
had a portable planetarium. Really and inflatable dome and a
projector. I ended op being the guy who used it so, mornings i would
show up and stuff the "universe," into the back of my Toyota Celica,
and drive off to one of Pinellas County's's questionable schools.
Later, I told folktales with a guy names Uwezo Sudan. when he left, it
wasn't quite the same. I felt lost telling kids about Anansi and
trying to fake a Jamaican accent.
I dabbled in college but my heart was no longer in my work. then I
took some interest in a young lady who had been working at the museum
since i started. she had taken off for about a year and then returned
after her fiance/ business partner left her in charge of a sign
painting business. (she had trained me to Typeset on a GSP vinyl sign
cutter, so during her absence, I made the signage for exhibits and
what not.) She was in charge of special events and she considered me
responsible so, I would stay over at the Museum with her when we had a
sleepover for children. We also did little workshops where kids and
families could make masks or learn about fossils by making a
plastercast of a shell or something. We never dated, but we did talk
seriously about life and stuff. One day she came to me, very upset,
wanting to know what I did with the money from the folklore project.
Apparently there was a budget I was never told about. I always
provided my own musical instruments and props for the show. Then they
hired a new story teller who began spending money on educational stuff
like silly string.
Then we were told that My friend had been in an accident. We were
given a gag order not to speak of it. Then were were told that she had
been attacked and left for dead at her apartment. She never regained
the ability to speak due to extensive brain damage. I was terminated
soon after. The reasons differed. Some people were told that I sold
Drugs at the museum. (False) that i showed up late for work, (True)
Other people seemed to realize that I had been assaulted by the
Education Director who was in charge of The Folktales budget.
No one said much to me after I left.
I only saw my friend once after she came out of her coma. Her parents
hovered around her protectively, and she looked like some one who had
been sewn back together. I know she couldn't talk, l but there was
something in her eyes, that I understood. We both cried. I lost faith
in the human race on that day.
She still owes me a book. I loaned it to her about a month before her
assault.The book was "Song of the Forest" by Colin McKay
It's Out Of Print.