Tuesday, April 16, 2024

this map of music looks like a very interesting territorry

Thursday, January 20, 2022

write more?

I should write more, or else this isn't really a blog. i do sometimes keep posts as drafts, but i always get to thinking that my thoughts are too depressing, to personal or too insignificant for people to bother reading. 
And you are probably tuning out right now, but wait. i do have a story to tell and it is worth listening to.

My mother died of Pancreatic Cancer on April Seventh of 2021 and today i signed papers deeding her estate to me. Yesterday i was at the bank transfering funds from inherited IRAs. I've been crying a lot, especially in the mornings. I like to go to the park and say my prayers by the water under the old oaks on the indian mound. A few weeks after she died i came home and realized that I had left my phone somewhere, probably one of the benches where id sat, at the park. first, I called and texted my number from my mothers phone which was still active, and headed back  to retrace the steps from my walk. I found a heart-shaped note, fixed in place with a stone and called the number, sure enough he had a phone but sounded confused but agreed to come meet me. He still seemed baffled as he approached the bench and asked for ID. "How do i know its your phone," he asked, "There was a lady here. We said good morning." i told him that i hadn't seen anyone else when i was there. He explained that it was the woman whose picture came up on the phone. "She had a slight accent," he said, "maybe European." 
It was my turn to be confused. After explaining to him how i came to have my mother's phone he returned mine reluctantly. I realized that some woman must have sat there for a moment and said hello, thinking he was looking for his phone, and when he found it he thought that it was an opportunity to do something nice for a friendly attractive woman. Maybe she did  look a bit like my mother and he hoped to make her acquaintance. I felt a little sad because i thought it would have been nice for him to meet someone that way. But I also thought of Masha and how she would do something like that, guard a strangers phone and make sure it got back to its rightful owner. I felt protected, as if her spirit in some way watched over me. I still say hello to that guy when i see him walk his dog.
I still cry sometimes when i sit on the bench. We did visit that park a few times before she died, and i think she would enjoy sitting with me and listening to a little ghost story.

Thursday, March 25, 2021


Today, I've got an appointment with Masha to go to her counselor. She has been eating lightly smoothies, grapes and cliff bars. We have an appointment with Charles Reismann, a lawyer to review her Will.
Her need for pain meds has increased.
The biopsy was terrible and stressful the days before and the recovery. I'm still not sure that the pain she has isn't hunger.
We talk when she is awake. I massage her back and shoulders feed her and then she lays back down. It's a struggle to get her to drink enough water.
I hate to see her suffer like this.
And I'm angry that Denny kept her this way protecting her, but neglecting her care.
He acts as though he has been the only one in her life these years, and she really started staying with him to control his drinking. I would drive her over nearly every day and we would clean him up and take away the bottles.
Eventually she just stayed there.
In the past few years he would seldom even take her home to her house and when he did he would stand outside smoking, coming in only to  impatiently say, "let's go."
He always wanted her to let go of the past but she never did.
She remained attached to me and too her own history, which is something Denny could not maintain.

masha with Rob McCann and Hayden

A photo of Masha's cousin Rob McCann with her and his wife Hayden.
This was in March of 2018

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

pushing upwards

Masha's biopsy is today. She has not had an invasive procedure like this before.
These past two days, she has been beside herself upset with David Troup for drawing up a will that did not respect her wishes. I'm upset too, because the will also makes David Troup and Denny her personal Representatives. The contents of her business at this address and her property in Gulfport go to Denny.

We got up at four.
Neither if us could sleep. I managed to gulp down a smoothie with brussels sprouts and broccoli.
Rarely have that for breakfast. Masha was in pain and very scared. She did eat solid food yesterday evening so, i think this is more than hunger pangs.
She seemed very scared, especially being separated from me at this time. She really wants her loved ones there, my sister, Tanya, Doris, and others have all sent prayers and messages of hope and positive wishes.
In the car masha asked me to contact Tina Grote and get some pictures to her. The pictures are at Denny's.
I guess i can call Tina. Maybe meet with her. If i have time.
Oh and Bob called. It turned out i had blocked him somehow.
I should message him.
Denny also has a cat scan today.
I'm praying that it's not a scene like Masha's. Denny is very fatalistic about how he is 'dying'. I've heard that from him for many years. It's how he feels when he is drinking.
Masha can be very quick to think the negatives too I'm really praying for her.